TreatMeBetta®

Black women are some of the most generous people on earth. Many of us are genuinely wired that way. So much so there is a global truth making the rounds that if you are ever in need or in trouble, find a Black woman. She’s more likely to help you. 

The idea is both extremely flattering, and the most diabolical trap. While it offers an assumption of competence, safety, and kindness, it also assumes our voluntary unpaid labor and frankly, an unearned, extremely entitled expectation that our time and energy are the world’s to command.

A lot of us have quietly fallen right in line with it too. We give resources, emotional labor, care, and wisdom freely and often expect nothing tangible in return. I’m not even sure all of us understand the depth, scope, and value of our contributions, which is wild! We literally hold families together. We support friends through crises. We show up for everyone.

But receiving? That’s where we, ironically, seem to draw the line. Receiving support, taking rest, help, softness, money, love? We don’t accept:

We deflect. We deny. We minimize. We feel guilty for even considering. We pretend we’re not interested. We say, “Oh no! Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.” And the imbalance — the endless giving without equal receiving — is quietly breaking us down.

What It Means to Struggle With Receiving

However many Black women may say no to something offered, struggling to receive doesn’t mean that we don’t want good things. It means we’ve been conditioned to feel unsafe or undeserving when — and if — those things arrive. Because it’s not usual, and because when something is offered more often than not there are strings attached that lead to us giving even more, which is not fair or desirable.

So, we end up almost unilaterally:

• Rejecting compliments
• Feeling uncomfortable when someone helps us
• Downplaying our needs
• Overworking instead of accepting support
• Feeling guilty when life gets easier
• Staying in unbalanced relationships where we give and the other person takes
• Saying “I got it” even when we really don’t

It may feel good on some warped level, but this kind of behavior is not humility. It’s actually a survival pattern.

Where This Pattern Comes From

Black women didn’t become overgivers by accident. We don’t do it because we like it. Ew. No. We’ve been conditioned to behave this way.

1. Historical survival: For generations, Black women had to be indispensable to survive. We were valued for what we provided — not for who we were. Needing too much was dangerous. Receiving without earning was not an option.

So, we learned that: To give = safety. To need = risk.

That programming still lives in our nervous systems today. It’s in our behaviors, mannerisms, and speech like a default setting in a malfunctioning system that somehow manages to keep right on working.

2. Cultural conditioning: Black women are endlessly praised for being strong, selfless, and tireless. We are rewarded for sacrifice, for giving. Receiving is barely a thought, no matter how unbalanced relationships get, because in many cases people — friends, family, even strangers — are so used to us pulling all the weight, it doesn’t even occur to them to ask if they can carry some of the load. Further, rarely are we taught that being supported is not weakness — it’s wisdom.

From birth, we are taught to:

• Handle everything
• Never be a burden
• Not ask for too much
• Stay grateful even when under-supported

And society, our families, our jobs, the media, almost everyone reinforces these messages, and this quietly, inevitably, trains us to give until we are empty.

3. Societal stereotypes: Black women are often portrayed as resilient caretakers — not as people who deserve softness, protection, or ease. When we ask for more, we risk being labeled demanding, difficult, or entitled.

So, to avoid those unfair labels, we shrink our needs instead. This often leads to resentment, burnout, and the kind of dissatisfaction that curdles the spirit and leads to negativity, toxicity, and sometimes plain old-fashioned hurt. And that’s just for starters.

The Cost of Not Being Able to Receive

The people who are benefiting from a Black woman’s selflessness and sacrifice may not state any appreciation out loud. Nor will she always admit that she refused any evidence of reciprocity. But when Black women struggle to receive, it shows up everywhere anyway.

• Financially – we undercharge, overgive, and struggle to accept abundance
• Emotionally – we stay in relationships where we give more than we get
• Physically – we run ourselves into exhaustion
• Spiritually – we disconnect from joy, rest, and pleasure
• Relationally – we attract people who take instead of reciprocate

In addition to burnout and resentment, overgiving without receiving can easily lead to chronic depletion, and many of us don’t know what to do about that condition, even if we do recognize the signs. Hint: One great place to start is saying no. Another is to guard your time and energy like gold.

What Healthy Receiving Looks Like

It is critical that Black women understand three fundamental truths about receiving, and not just endlessly giving.

Receiving is not laziness. Receiving is not entitlement. Receiving is about restoring balance. Healthy receiving looks like:

• Letting people support you
• Accepting care without guilt
• Resting without apology
• Allowing ease into your life
• Expecting reciprocity
• Believing you deserve good things

It means trusting that you don’t have to earn everything through exhaustion. That it is safe and right to lean on other people, to put yourself first, for once, and to ensure that your cup won’t be depleted when you pour into someone else’s.

How to Start Relearning How to Receive

If you recognize of these behaviors, and you want to change your ways and receive not just give, consider doing the following:

1. Notice the discomfort: When someone offers help, money, praise, or support — pause. If you feel awkward or guilty, that’s the old pattern talking.

2. Stop over-explaining: You don’t need to justify why you deserve rest, care, or resources.

3. Accept small things: Practice receiving compliments, help, kindness, and generosity without deflecting. Just say, “thank you.”

4. Release the “I must do everything” belief: Strength does not mean doing everything alone. It means knowing when to let others contribute.

5. Choose reciprocal relationships: Stop pouring into people who don’t pour back. Balanced relationships teach your nervous system that receiving is safe, familiar, right. They ensure you don’t have to choose between old, destructive patterns and yourself.

What Happens When Black Women Learn to Receive

When you allow yourself to receive you likely will see the benefits immediately:

• Your body relaxes
• Your stress decreases
• Your finances stabilize
• Your relationships improve
• Your joy expands
• Your energy returns

Life becomes less about survival and more about living well.

At the end of the day, Black women do not need to give less — we need to receive more, and we need to understand on a fundamental level that our worth is not tied to how much we can endure, share, or sacrifice ourselves. Too much of that only breeds harm, negativity, blocked blessings, and martyrdom.

The opposite, support, love, money, rest, joy, and care, these are not luxuries. They are necessities for a life well lived.

You do not have to exhaust yourself to deserve a good life. Receiving is not a weakness. It is the gateway to balance, peace, prosperity, and wholeness.

Share in the comments: Have you had to learn how to receive, and not just give? What was the turning point for you? Share this article with another woman who needs to learn how to let herself be cared for and assisted.

Want to dive deeper into how Black women can stop struggling? My book Live Well: A Woman’s Prerogative examines this and more — from relationships and family to skincare and mindset shifts that help you truly thrive, not just survive. Get your copy here.