Treatmebetta

I keep seeing this social media post featuring Maya Angelou where she talks about anger being good. It’s the fire that burns away the dross, she says in her effortlessly lyrical way, and in the context that she provides, I agree. 

But most of the time? Anger is not the Black woman’s friend. Because too often when we are angry we don’t come out the other side and arrive in a healed place. You see what I’m sayin’?

Anger is toxic, poisonous in fact. 

I don’t even support matching energy, unless you’re matching absenteeism. 

And lick backs are for the immature. They have no place in the grown ass Black woman lexicon because they harm. They don’t heal. They keep shit going, and then the pain or discomfort lasts longer. You don’t move on.

It’s Important to Assess Why Exactly You’re so Angry

Because why exactly are you so angry? Think about it.  Here are a few reasons you may be on fire:

1. You’re probably angry because you keep doing shit that you know you shouldn’t do. You’re doing things that don’t serve you, and that knowledge is irritating your spirit, which doesn’t want you to make bad choices.
2. You keep giving chances to people who don’t deserve them. And you know it. This, again, is irritating because you may end up treating yourself for allowing yourself to be duped.
3. You keep attributing good to people who have shown you only bad. Again, you may end up beating yourself up worse than they did because you keep allowing the nonsense.
4. You keep listening to people who give you bad, dated, limiting advice that doesn’t work out to your greatest, long-term good. You may wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I keep asking for and listening to crap that leaves my ass in a sling?
5. You keep doing the same shit over and over again expecting different results because you’re focused on what’s right, and not what is. If it’s squishy and stinks, it could be shit or it could be an exotic fruit. Don’t deny context. It’s there for a reason.
6. You keep letting people take advantage of you because you’re following the bible, or you’re on your healing journey, and you will do no harm. This one is rough because if you don’t get straight you end up thinking erroneous things about God, and that will not do.

So, to be frank, stop being stupid, girl.

And no, following the bible is absolutely NOT stupid. 

But you gotta realize that people are not always interested in doing the right thing, and that may — in all likelihood it will — piss you the fuck off. But if you dwell there? You will be mad forever. 

There are so many people in the world who will do heaux shit that makes you mad — if you let ‘em. Some of ‘em do that shit on purpose. ‘Cuz they get a kick out of seeing you go off. Or because they know that having successfully distracted you with expressions of anger, they have derailed you from things and ideas and consequences that really, and truly, matter.

But you can get mad. You’re human. Anger is an emotion that you are entitled to feel and even display. Just don’t stay mad. 

Instead, I would encourage you to be kind — to yourself. But don’t always be nice. I would encourage you to be generous, but don’t expect anything in return. I would encourage you to do the right thing, but do not expect everyone to behave as you do. 

If you expect those things, you will exist in a perpetual state of rage, as James Baldwin once said.

Another thing that will make you irrationally angry? Being around the wrong people. Whether they’re family or friends, people who piss you off a lot? Clip ‘em.

Instead, seek out and spend time with people who think like you do. People who do not make you angry. People who do not make you guess, wonder, or think too much about the wrong shit.

Make your tribe a group of like minded, diverse women who want more, and do the good work they need to do to get it. 

But it’s not that easy to make friends, Kellye. 

At one time, I would have agreed, but now I don’t know about that. When you are that, you attract that. 

And it took me decades — yes, decades! — to find some great friends. Real friends. Before that I only had acquaintances — and sometimes I didn’t even know it. Now, I have women around me who help me without expectation. Women who offer before I can ask. 

They listen. 

They care. 

They tell me the truth, and not in a way that will savage my spirit.

They encourage me.

They ride for me in rooms I am not in. 

And they always see the best in me, even when I don’t see it in myself. 

They sap my anger.

Anger Is a Normal Emotion, and You Are Human, but It Can Be Destructive if You Stay too Long

They encourage me to treat myself kindly because I’m worth it. Not because of anything I’ve done or aspire to do, but because I’m a human being, and that is enough.

If you don’t have that, you may have the opposite, or you may have nothing, and that breeds anger. Anger, and its friends irritation, unease, loneliness, these demons block blessings.

So, work through that anger, girl. Walk it out, talk it out, clean it away, whatever you have to do to fight fire with positivity, do it. 

Because being angry, focusing on giving back the bullshit that you get, that hurts you. It hurts your spirit, your body, it hurts your mind, and it can hurt your prospects and opportunities. 

Being angry can make you hard. And as a Black woman, you do not want to be hard. Life will provide enough challenges. You don’t need to manufacture any.

But Kellye, all this turn the other cheek shit you’re talking about doesn’t make sense! People be on bullshit.

Yes, it does, and yes they do.

But I’m not telling you to turn the other cheek. I couldn’t be that good and altruistic if I lived 10 lives lol. 

I used to be a mean, mad ass bitch. And I’m still working on this temper. For me, turning the other cheek is too much like accepting heaux shit. 

What I advocate instead is acknowledging the heaux shit. But instead of reacting negatively to it. Just process it, and then move around. Don’t ignore bad things or mistreatment. Just don’t dwell on them.

Bozoma St. John once said “I’m not going to live a logical life. I’m going to live a magical life. The kind that is open to all of the things that I cannot explain.”

If you’re going to live that kind of life, you don’t have time to be angry. When you’re trying to live a soft and magical life, anger is not your friend. You’ve got too much shit to do, see, experience, try, put down, pick up, and enjoy. 

So, when the same person comes around playing in your face — again — don’t get mad. Sigh, shake your head, and say, treatmebetta. Then let them get angry at you walking away.