Treatmebetta

Family is often described as the foundation of our lives, a source of unconditional love, support, and belonging. But what happens when that foundation is cracked — when the people who are supposed to uplift you and love and care for you the most are the first ones who tear you down? 

For many Black women, walking away from toxic family dynamics feels unthinkable, laden with guilt, societal expectations, and cultural obligations. But here’s the truth: It’s okay to go no contact with toxic family members. In many cases, I believe it’s advisable because Black women just do not need additional stress, burdens, or problems — especially from people who are mistreating them and excusing their behavior or suggesting that it’s okay because “they’re family.” If you’ve been wondering whether it’s time to take that step, you’re not alone.

The Guilt Trap: Why It’s Hard to Cut Ties

In Black culture, the concept of family is sacred. We’re taught to honor our parents, to look out for our siblings, and to respect our elders. The idea of walking away from family — especially as a Black woman — is often met with judgment and accusations of selfishness or disrespect.

You might hear phrases like:

• “But they’re still your mother.”
• “You only have one family.”
• “Blood is thicker than water.”

These statements are designed to make you feel guilty for even considering distance. But they fail to acknowledge one critical fact: Not all family relationships are healthy. Not all family relationships are even decent. Not all family relationships are worthy of the title “family” relationship — not when the family member protesting mistreatment has found better treatment from friends and even strangers.

It’s almost like that label holds more weight than anything else. And I’m here to tell you, at this point in my life, what I care about phrases like “that’s you mother” would fit on the head of a pin with room to spare. To respond to someone protesting mistreatment with that kind of sentiment is essentially saying, just take the abuse. It’s like saying, no, it’s perfectly okay for them to: abuse you, lie to you, gaslight you, manipulate you, steal from you, embarrass you, and waste your time. Really! It’s okay — you’re related. 

That is bat shit crazy.

The Reality of Toxic Family Dynamics

Toxic family members can come in many forms:

• Emotionally abusive parents who belittle or manipulate you.
• Envious siblings who undermine your success.
• Controlling relatives who impose their expectations on your life choices.

These relationships often operate under a cycle of emotional manipulation, guilt, and unresolved trauma. And for Black women, navigating these dynamics can be even more challenging because we’re often expected to be the caretakers, the fixers, and the ones who hold it all together — even when no one else is making an effort to be taken care of, fixed or held together.

But here’s the kicker, and this is something that I’ve learned the hard way, over decades of going back and forth and banging my head against a metaphoric wall trying to make toxic family dynamics work: You do not owe anyone your peace, no matter how closely related they are to you.

You were not put on this earth to be mistreated — especially not by the people who are supposedly obliged to love and succor you the most. You are not obligated to take abuse, to always turn the other cheek, to endure, accept, forgive, and forget. 

Society will have you believe that all a Black body is good for is to struggle and work. And when you’re not doing one of those two things you should be helping and giving whatever is left. At no point in that narrative is there a moment’s respite for your feelings, desires, dreams, goals, nothing. And in my experience you fall even lower down the scale of considerations when the other players in the game are relatives. 

When family is in the picture, almost none of the considerations you are supposed to prioritize have anything to do with you. It’s all about ensuring that someone else gets what they need — often at your expense. Again, that is crazy. It’s also unfair, ridiculous, and, sadly, very, very common.

If you have toxic family members you already know the script: You put your needs and wants and concerns aside for the good of the less fortunate relative who needs help — no matter how inconvenient giving that help might be for you, or how many times they’ve needed your help, or that their need is the direct result of their own, often repeated, poor choices and decisions.

But I can’t help but wonder: What does that do to the “good” family member? The caretaker, the giver, the fixer, the one who holds it all together, what do they get? Is there a reward? A thank you? Acknowledgement? Nothing?

Nothing? Well, that’s shitty. 

I’d also like to ask: How many times is a person reasonably obligated to explain to his or her relatives why they are tired of being mistreated, taken advantage of, or otherwise used for the benefit of someone else in the family? Three times, maybe five, what about a dozen? 

Having to plead for understanding, to beg for others in the same family unit not to mistreat you or take you for granted or not to use you is egregious enough. When you consider that those exhortations are being made to those who share your blood it becomes even more hurtful, selfish, and frankly, sinister. It’s no wonder some people are just opting out of family altogether. They’ve tried enough. Now they choose peace, and I for one do not blame them one bit.

Why More People Are Going No Contact

The decision to go no contact with a family member or even a family isn’t new, but it’s becoming more common and more openly discussed. In “Why So Many People Are Going “No Contact” with Their Parents,” an August 2024 article published in The New Yorker, psychologist Peggy Drexler said that many people, especially millennials and Gen Z, are re-evaluating their family relationships and choosing distance over dysfunction.

This trend is partly fueled by a growing understanding of mental health. People are essentially recognizing that enduring toxic family dynamics can lead to anxiety, depression, and low self-worth. For Black women, who already face prevalent, unique stressors related to racism, sexism, and societal expectations, removing toxic family members from our lives can be a radical act of self-preservation.

It can bring clarity, peace, relief, and often opportunity. Once you are no longer embroiled in a bunch of self-induced heaux shit, you can plot, plan, and prepare for your own goals. With valuable distance you are able to remove unwanted distractions, negativity, and you can spend your time, energy and money on yourself, not on ungrateful relations who feel entitled to all of that which you have worked, sacrificed and in many cases, struggled to get.

Signs It Might Be Time to Go No Contact

If you’re unsure whether going no contact is the right decision, consider the following signs:

1. Constant emotional drain: Do you feel emotionally exhausted after every interaction with a particular family member? If their presence leaves you feeling drained, anxious, or worthless, it may be time to distance yourself.

2. Repeated patterns of abuse: Have you tried setting boundaries, only to have them repeatedly ignored or violated? As warped and horrible as it sounds, toxic family members often thrive on disrespecting your limits.

3. Lack of accountability: Do they refuse to acknowledge their harmful behavior? Healthy relationships require accountability and growth. If a family member consistently dismisses or refuses to acknowledge your feelings, they’re unlikely to change.

4. Impact on your mental health: Are you noticing increased anxiety, depression, or self-doubt because of this relationship? Your mental and by association your physical health should never be sacrificed for the sake of family loyalty.

The world will have you believe otherwise, as will sundry people you encounter — ignore them. Listen to your gut, to your spirit. You know what you’ve been through. You know what you’ve done, and you know what’s been done to you. Make your own decision with your future happiness and well being top of mind.

How to Handle the Guilt of Going No Contact

Even when you know it’s the right decision, going no contact can trigger intense guilt. After all, we’ve been conditioned to believe that cutting off family is wrong. Here’s how to manage that guilt:

1. Self-preservation is not selfish. Remember, choosing your peace over toxicity isn’t selfish — it’s necessary if you want to live well. You have the right to protect your emotional well-being, even if it means distancing yourself from family.

2. Acknowledge the complexity. It’s okay to feel both relief and sadness. Cutting ties doesn’t mean you don’t love them; it means you love yourself enough to prioritize your mental health and everything else about you that may be in danger by associating with toxic family.

3. Seek support. Connect with a therapist, support group, or trusted friends who understand your experience. Sadly, you probably will not lack options. Surrounding yourself with a supportive community can help you navigate the emotional challenges of going no contact.

4. Reframe your narrative. Instead of viewing your decision as abandonment, reframe it as an act of self-love. You’re choosing to break generational cycles of dysfunction and create a healthier, more fulfilling life. And you are entitled to that kind of life. There is no shame in pursuing it.

It might help you to create a new family narrative. One of the most empowering aspects of going no contact is the opportunity to redefine what family means to you. Family isn’t limited to blood relatives — it can include friends, mentors, and chosen family who uplift and support you. That’s where that phrase, the family you make for yourself, comes from! Friends can be family. The right ones may even be better than family.

Setting Boundaries: If No Contact Isn’t an Option

In some cases, going completely no contact may not be feasible, especially if cultural or logistical factors make it difficult. If that’s the case, consider setting firm boundaries:

• Limit communication: Reduce the frequency and duration of interactions.
• Stay neutral: Avoid engaging in heated discussions or emotional triggers — at all.
• Focus on self-care: Prioritize activities that nurture your mental, physical and emotional well-being. Heal what you can, when you can, and don’t let everything fall apart because of the stress those bum family members are putting you under. Here are some affirmations for your journey:

• “I am worthy of love and respect, even if my family cannot provide it.”
• “I have the right to prioritize my peace and well-being.”
• “I am breaking generational cycles and creating a healthier future for myself and any family that I choose to have.”

Final Thoughts: Choose Peace Over Obligation

For Black women, the decision to go no contact with toxic family members is never easy. It’s a journey that requires courage, self-reflection, and a willingness to prioritize your own well-being, something the world is often very much against. 

Remember: You are not obligated to endure toxic relationships for the sake of tradition or family loyalty. You deserve peace, love, and respect — and it’s okay to walk away from anyone who can’t offer that, even if they share your DNA.

Choose you. Choose peace. And know that you’re not alone on this journey to emotional, physical, and financial freedom from family.