Treatmebetta

In a world obsessed with likes, retweets, and going viral, it’s easy to mistake attention for affirmation. Sadly, that kind of thing is encouraged. We’re actively told to think that attention, often from strangers, has far more meaning than it actually does. 

We’re told, implicitly and explicitly, that attention validates. It affirms. It’s valuable, something we should want and something we should court. That’s just not always true. 

For Black women — so often ignored, misunderstood, or misrepresented — being seen can feel like a triumph. And in many ways, it is. But when the need to be seen turns into a constant craving for attention, we must pause and ask: Where is this coming from? Further, is it serving us, or is it silently harming us?

Where the Need for Attention Comes From

Black women have long existed at the margins of societal recognition. You might say we’ve been historically rooted in invisibility. From the days of slavery — where our bodies were exploited but our voices were silenced — to decades of being erased from mainstream narratives — this is still happening — many of us carry a deep ancestral ache to simply matter. 

Traditionally we haven’t been celebrated in history books, in beauty standards, or on national stages unless we overperformed, overgave, or overachieved. As a result, the desire to be seen is not just personal — it’s generational.

Fast forward to today where attention is now one of the most valuable forms of currency. Social media feeds reward the bold, the loud, and the curated. It promotes present-day pressures and performances. Black women are now more visible than ever — but often through filtered lenses that expect us to be strong, funny, fashionable, desirable, or perfectly “real” on command. For some, the validation that comes with online attention can become addictive. It may feel like healing, but it’s often just another performance.

The Consequences of Seeking External Validation

We don’t talk about this nearly enough, but there is value in cultivating internal strength. There is peace and power in being your own source, engine, or motivation because that source is essentially unlimited. It can be recharged whenever and however we like. When we are externally motivated, on the other hand, when we are controlled by a need for others’ validation, when other people stop caring, we stop thinking we should be cared for. 

Seeking external validation can:

1. Make you dependent. If your sense of worth is rooted in who’s clapping for you, you’ll always need an audience. The problem is audiences can be extremely fickle. One minute you’re a trending topic, the next minute you’re forgotten or harshly critiqued — for doing exactly the same thing. External validation can’t fill internal voids. If you need something, it’s often best to give it to yourself rather than seek what you need from others, especially strangers.

2. Encourage you to compromise your authenticity. The more you chase attention, the easier it becomes to perform instead of just be. You might start sharing parts of yourself that should stay sacred, or shape-shifting to fit whatever version of you gains the most approval. That’s a dangerous game — and it can cost you your wholeness.

3. Erode mental health. Constantly checking for likes, watching views, and measuring your value in digital or external applause can leave you anxious, exhausted, and emotionally depleted. Real confidence doesn’t live in your notifications, or even in another person’s smile or thumbs up.

4. Distract you from true fulfillment. The energy you spend seeking external praise could be redirected into building something meaningful and/or lasting — like peace, purpose, or people. When you’re chasing attention, you’re rarely grounded in your truth.

Constantly seeking external validation can be harmful for:

• Authentic relationships: When you seek attention more than connection, your relationships may become transactional.
  
• Self-worth: You start believing you’re only worthy when you’re visible or ackknokwledged.
  
• Purpose: You might abandon your calling for what’s more clickable, even if it’s less aligned.
  
• Legacy: Attention fades. Substance lasts. Don’t confuse the two.

How to Build Self-Confidence and Internal Strength

Fortunately, you can build confidence and internal strength, and it’s free. You don’t have to buy it, or wait for anyone to give it to you. It will take time — most things worth having do — and you will need to refresh it periodically as life happens and things come along to shake your confidence. But it’s time well spent for a lifetime of peace.

To build your confidence and inner strength:

1. Sit with yourself — without performing. Spend quiet time disconnected from your devices. Journal. Meditate. Ask yourself: Who am I when no one is watching? That’s the version of you that deserves your love and attention. Work to understand and care for her.

2. Heal the root, not the surface. Therapy, community support, or ancestral practices can help you identify and address old wounds around invisibility and unworthiness. Take the time to uncover where these harmful ideas come from. It could be painful, even shocking. That is okay. Healing isn’t cute or always Instagrammable, but it is powerful.

3. Celebrate yourself privately. Not every win needs to be a post. Take yourself on dates. Speak affirmations in the mirror. Learn to feel proud without applause. Learn to be your own best cheerleader and coach.

4. Create, don’t perform. Whether it’s through art, service, or leadership — focus on creating impact rather than chasing clout. The fulfillment you get from meaningful work lasts far longer than fleeting attention.

5. Surround yourself with mirrors, not spotlights. Choose friends and mentors who reflect your worth back to you — especially when things aren’t going well — not those who only show up when you’re shining.

In the End There’s You. She’s Enough

Black women, we were never meant to be a spectacle. We are not here solely to entertain, to be picked, or to earn our worth in the public square. Attention can be affirming, yes — but it should never be your sole lifeline. Beware the hunger for too much of it. Your power is not always in being seen. It’s in being solid.

Don’t be confused though. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with showing up and showing out. We deserve to be seen just as much as any woman — or human. Just make sure you’re doing what you want to do, not what you think others’ want you to. Your confidence is an inside job.

Has there been a time when you caught yourself preening for attention? How did it make you feel? Did you do anything about it? Share your story in the comments.