TreatMeBetta®

For far too long, Black women have been fed an extremely damaging narrative: Love must come with struggle. We’re told, implicitly and explicitly, that if we want to be loved, enduring emotional neglect, disrespect, financial instability, or bare-minimum effort is all just a part of proving our loyalty and our worth to others. But here’s the truth that not enough of us know: It’s better to be alone than to be stuck in struggle love. We shouldn’t have to prove anything. Love should not have to be earned at our expense.

What Is Struggle Love?

I bet you already know. You may have already experienced it either personally, or you have witnessed it in someone close to you. But for clarity: Struggle love is a relationship dynamic where one partner — too often Black women — carries the emotional, financial, or spiritual burden in the relationship. 

So, she sacrifices her peace, her joy, and sometimes even her health in hopes that one day, things will get better. One day, she will be loved the way she wants, the way she should be loved — with kindness, consideration, care, thought, intention. For too many of us, however, one day never comes.

Instead, we suffer. We pretend we’re okay being mistreated, used, or embarrassed. We make do with scraps and crumbs of affection and in return give our whole hearts not to mention our bodies, minds, and wallets. Worse, while we wait for a love that never comes, we work. We work for others who often watch with entitlement while we struggle to put them first, and resolutely put ourselves last.

It’s weird though. As prevalent as it unfortunately is, struggle love can be oddly tough to spot. But it often looks like:

• You waiting years for emotional maturity that never comes
• You staying in financially unstable relationships hoping for change
• You accepting emotional neglect, inconsistency, or infidelity because “at least he’s here”
• You playing therapist, mother, and partner — while receiving little to no support in return

It’s one sided at best, and actively damaging at worst. Basically, struggle love is a bad bet — emotionally, spiritually, generationally, and most any other way you care to look at it.

Where Does This Low-Vibrational Mentality Come From?

The struggle love mindset didn’t appear overnight. For many Black women, the roots are strong, and they run quite deep. They come from:

1. Historical trauma and many lifetimes living in survival mode: From slavery through segregation to systemic racism today, Black women have been forced into survival mode for a very long time. Our grandmothers and great-grandmothers did what they had to do to keep families afloat. Very often, in the absence of consistent, intentional help, they’d sacrifice their own needs for the greater good.

That legacy taught us to “hold it down” no matter how bad it gets — and no matter how little acknowledgement or thanks we get. But survival mode isn’t where love should live. Times have changed. Our expectations and demands for our lives and hearts should change along with them.

2. Media and cultural narratives: Normalizing struggle love has become a strange and twisted cultural norm. For decades, movies, music, and now social media have glorified the “ride or die” woman — the one who sticks by her partner through thick, thin, and toxic. These “no matter what” and “by any means necessary” messages condition us to believe that suffering is a love language. One that we should embrace, even expect, when in reality we should actively repel it. 

More often than not, those types of messages and the situations that come with them are completely unnecessary. Why? They’re the result of bad choices, short term thinking, and a preference for instant gratification vs disciplined, strategic living rooted in the present with an affinity and a desire to shape your own bright and intentional future.

Let’s be clear: Struggle love has not and will never have anything to do with real, good, true love.

3. Generational conditioning: Sadly, struggle has been passed down from mother to daughter, and woman to woman. How many of us grew up hearing:

• “At least you’ve got a man.”
• “Men will be men.”
• “You just have to be patient with him.”

This generational programming creates extremely low expectations and normalizes dysfunction. It makes it okay for men to mistreat women because somehow that mistreatment is just an accepted part of the love dynamic. To that I say, hard pass, dolls!

Why Struggle Love Makes You Lose in the End

Choosing or accepting struggle love is a mistake. Period. When Black women acquiesce to these narratives around relationships, it’s us essentially choosing:

• Emotional burnout
• Delayed personal goals, dreams, and desires
• Possible financial instability
• Increased stress and health issues
• A distorted example of love for the next generation

In the end, the emotional return on investment rarely comes. Worse, you risk wasting years of your life and closing the door on healthy, mutual love. It’s just not worth it. 

Love doesn’t have to be hard to be real. I don’t think it should be hard at all. I’ve been in love. Good love. It was easy. Fun. Generous. Thoughtful. It made me feel good. Relaxed. Safe. Cared for. You can have that too.

What Black Women Should Do Instead

If you take nothing else from this article, understand that you don’t have to choose between love and peace. If that choice ever presents itself to you, think twice. Ask yourself some tough questions, and don’t be afraid to answer them honestly — before you get caught up. The first of those questions likely should be: Is this really love? What does love mean to me? What do I want love to do for me?

If you don’t want to get caught up in struggle love, here’s what you should focus on:

1. Raising your standards — unapologetically: Having standards isn’t about being “too picky.” That’s what people say when you not having standards benefits them in some way. Truly having standards is simply being clear on what you deserve and what you will accept. I believe Black women should accept:

• Consistency
• Respect
• Emotional availability
• Shared values
• Partnership, not projects
• Care
• Thoughtful action
• Kindness and generosity, not just with money but in spirit

2. Healing your inner narrative: Therapy, journaling, and engaging in community with like-minded women can help break generational patterns that normalize struggle. Hang with people who hold growth-minded attitudes and behaviors. They won’t ever suggest that you suffer or accept the bare minimum to have the facsimile of love. You are allowed to expect ease and joy in relationships.

3. Embracing the power of solitude: Understand something key: Being in love and having a partner is wonderful — if you have a good partner. If you don’t have a good partner, don’t be afraid to remain single. 

Being single isn’t a punishment. When you “single” right, it can be a nurturing time and space to:

• Grow your career
• Get healthy and/or glow up
• Travel
• Build wealth
• Root yourself in healthy habits and routines
• Expand your mind, knowledge, or skills
• Strengthen friendships
• Discover who you are outside of relationship roles

The peace women often experience while single is literally priceless. It can make it easier to spot healthy relationships when the right partner comes along because they will enhance or protect that peace, not detract from it.

4. Modeling healthy love for the next generation: By choosing better, you aren’t just ensuring that you live well. You’re setting a new and better standard for the younger Black women and girls — and boys — who are watching you. Let them see what good love looks like. Let them understand through your example that love should feel safe, nurturing, and reciprocal — it should not be a constant uphill battle.

You Don’t Have to Earn Love Through Pain

Black women, your love story doesn’t have to be one of struggle and sacrifice. We have struggled and sacrificed more than enough. It’s okay for us to want more. It’s okay that we choose peace over partnership when that partnership looks like struggling to build someone up as an unpaid, potentially exhausting project. 

Know that it is absolutely okay to walk away from love that costs you your dignity, your health, your resources, or your peace.

It is better to be alone and thriving than to be partnered with the wrong person and suffering. Period.

If this article spoke to you, share it with another sister who needs the reminder: You are the prize.