Treatmebetta

Some would say there’s comfort in routine. That the right routines are integral if you want to make progress toward a goal. I agree. 

Acquiring the right habits, and building a dynamic routine that contributes to the consistent betterment of your life is smart. But beware of comfort because there’s a line. 

A line that you stop crossing when you stop trying new things. You start accepting nonsense because you’re comfortable, and disrupting the status quo means endangering that comfort. You may stop learning. You may stop looking around, which means you miss new opportunities, and you may even get so comfortable that you put off working on your dreams.

This is especially true for Black women over 40. Aging has set in. You’re moving differently, and not always because you want to. You may have aches and pains. You may be more cautious, even fearful of change because you know that in your career, for example, at our age, upsetting a comfortable apple cart could have disastrous repercussions on a comfortable life. 

The world is not as kind to middle aged women as it was to their younger selves. It is dismissive, less likely to engage, to give chances, to offer aid, or see value. It’s unfair, ridiculously short sighted and silly, but it is what it is. 

The problem is, ignoring those subtle signs of discontent won’t actually protect you from disruption. They may delay it, but what usually happens is something comes along and forcibly disrupts you. 

You lose a job, or a lover cheats, or a friend betrays you. You don’t deserve any of these things. But can you honestly say that you didn’t see the signs? That there were no hints that there was trouble that you ignored or brushed off because addressing them would cause static?

Probably not. 

That’s why you should avoid being too comfortable, being too complacent. Periodically, I think you should question what you’re doing and why — especially if you’re not getting the results that you want. 

If you feel a vague sort of discontent in the midst of a wonderful life, it may be the spirit trying to tell you there’s something else out there for you, a new path that you should walk.

Don’t get me wrong. You don’t have to suddenly hop up and become an astronaut. I’m not advocating that you quit your job — especially if after doing so you can’t live comfortably for a year or two without breaking a sweat — and move to an ashram. Or, that you spend a ton of money thrill-seeking to circulate your stagnating blood.

I’m saying don’t be afraid to cast a critical eye over your comfortable life to suss out and change whatever it is that’s giving you the icks.

My whole life I’ve battled against my shopping habit. Learned at my mama’s knee, if anything got me tight, off to Marshalls, TJ Maxx, or Ross — can’t forget good old Ross — I would go. I’d spend time strolling the aisles, self-soothing and selecting cute quasi-useful things I didn’t need. When I wasn’t taking those same things back to the store, they’d pile up for lack of a home in my home, and I’d end up looking at them with disgust. 

Here was the evidence of my discontent, of money and time wasted, of clutter that I couldn’t find the time to organize or clean, and it was so irritating. My efforts to organize continuously failed. I couldn’t keep my house clean for shit — I had too much stuff! — and that disappointment in myself was like a low grade fever that I couldn’t get rid of.

Giving things away was hard. A little here and there, a few bags every year for tax purposes, ok. But decluttering for real? Tough as af — until I went on a no buy challenge. 

Talk about being uncomfortable. Good Lord. It felt like every damn day all my favorite brands were having the sale of a lifetime, and I was missing out on endless opportunities to save money on things I want and need.

But it wasn’t true. 

If you pay attention? Those brands have a sale every week. 

And even if they only have a good sale a few times a year, I had enough to hold me over until that time. 

I went seven months and I bought one book on afro minimalism. I saved so much damn money it was shocking, and during that time, I managed to give away a good 30-35% of my possessions.

It was hard, but I created space. The piles — those endless fucking piles — disappeared as things found a home, or were removed from mine. I felt more at ease. See I now understood what intentional living can do for your peace of mind, your pocket, and your spirit. 

I got time back too. No more scrolling and filling online carts with things I didn’t need. No more hours spent in TJ’s or doing returns on a Saturday. 

It wasn’t easy. But that discomfort was so worth it because it showed me a new way of being that has endless benefits for my life.

That’s what I mean when I say beware of comfort. Comfort can bring stagnation and prevent elevation.

Change is good. Even if all you change is your mind.

The change you need may not be in your career or in your shopping habits. You may have that down, God bless you, and please share your secrets lol. 

The change you need, the discomfort you may need to embrace, may be in refusing to acquiesce to that borrowing ass family member who says, “this time I swear on God I’ma pay you back!” 

Before you pour more hard earned money down a wastrel’s hole, consider how the momentary discomfort of saying no may make you feel long term. Good I hope. 

The discomfort you may need to embrace may be in not believing the “friend” who’s always seeking you out, only to end up apologizing for hurtful comments or neglectful actions. What would happen if you told her, “You always say that silly shit, girl.” What would happen if you put some space between you and that negativity, and chose to spend time with other friends whose company you enjoy more?

Being comfortable is like putting all of your eggs in one basket. That’s dangerous because as sure as the sun will rise, something will happen to make you trip and fall and break some eggs. 

You’ll realize the boss you looked up to is actually a two-faced demon. That the job you were so proud of is a sham, and that instead of being a valued contributor, you’ve gone from pet to threat, and now your purpose is whipping post for some demon’s pathetic insecurity.

You’ll realize the friend group you were so happy to join doesn’t think kindly of you at all. You’re a convenience. A tool to be used. There will be no long lasting, Golden Girls type friendship. After months of now suspect fun and laughs and smiles, there is only betrayal, and it will pierce your gut and shred your soul like a red hot knife. 

You’ll realize that someone you love — friend, family, partner — is just too hard to take. They’re too hard on your spirit because they’re ruthless in pursuit of what they want, and they feel nothing at stepping on your neck to get it. 

You’ll realize that these other people’s behavior is completely outside your control. But then you start to feel bad. Why did I learn this lesson so late? You wonder. 

Because you were too comfortable. You see what I’m saying?