Treatmebetta

You’ve heard the phrase, it be your own people? Yeah. Family members be on one. For real.

They be some of the worst people to those they supposedly love. They will lie to you to get your money, lie to get free advice that they won’t take because it’s too much work, and lie because they want you to do something for them that they know is a pain in the ass.

They will lie to gain your free labor because they know you’re quick to lend a hand when one is needed, especially in support of family. They will pretty much lie to gain access to anything that you may have that they want: a comfortable home, wifi, a full refrigerator of food that they did not buy, a working car, even your washing machine and dryer. Anything to make their lives easier on your dime. 

So, yeah. Sometimes I would wholeheartedly advocate telling that bum ass family member or members who is/are stressing you out to fuck right off. 

And no, ok. You don’t have to curse at that person or remove them from your orbit with those exact words. That is rude. That is harsh, and that behavior is likely outside of the elegant, peaceful woman that you are building. 

But it may be entirely appropriate, and that is what it is.

Because chances are, if that person has pushed you to the point where a well-timed fuck off feels good or is attractive, they deserve it.

Real talk. 

Really, the only reason I would suggest not telling some bum ass family member to fuck off is because it probably won’t do any good. It’ll exacerbate an already fraught situation, and in all likelihood, the fleeting satisfaction won’t be worth it. 

Why? 

Because someone aggravating enough to make you want to tell them to fuck off, probably has skin like a rhino, so if you do it, it may not even affect them. And if they’re really over the top, they’ll get off on knowing that you’re that pressed that you’re cursing them. They will enjoy your upset in a really perverted, narcissistic way, and then keep score of your moment of justified anger and use it against you later.

You can retain more power and control over your situation by keeping your cool.

That’s often much easier said than done, but that‘s my experience. Take or leave it. 

Here’s what I know. 

That family member? That sister, mother, father, brother, cousin, aunt, uncle, whoever, didn’t just start bothering you. Chances are they’ve been pressing your buttons for years now. 

They’ve been all in your damn face, ignoring your repeated requests for space, distance, to not be used as a walking ATM to fund their bad decisions for years.

They’ve been asking for time, energy, your clothes, your jewelry, your home, your car, gifts, your intellectual property and brain power — did I mention your money? — for years. And they haven’t given you shit in return. 

Or, what they offer is of no interest to you, or every little gesture of value that they do offer is immediately followed by a request for compensation. It’s as though just seeing them is expensive because it always costs you something.

And it’s perfectly sensible that you eventually stop wanting to pay because you work hard for yours, and you sacrifice, and you’re disciplined, and you make consistently excellent decisions in how you govern your well-ordered life. It is not selfish or mean or wild that you no longer have an interest in being a walking ATM or the go-to-fixer, and that you want to step back from the fray and the constant stream of expensive nonsense that is some relatives’ lives to focus on yourself in peace. 

It is okay for you to become the bad guy.

I’m telling you now. It’s okay! I’m giving you permission. Be the bad guy. 

It is not your problem that LaShawndala has perpetual FOMO and can’t budget and is always overdrawn and needing a handout or a babysitter for her children.

It is not your fault that Ray Ray’s car always seems to be in the shop, and that he’s always short on repair money. His haircut is perfectly lined, and he’s wearing the new Jordans though!

It is not your problem that Lil’ Man didn’t bring home his money — ‘cuz he probably brought it to someone else’s home.

None of that is your problem. 

Be the villain. 

Say no. 

Don’t even take the call. You know what it’s about. Well, you got to answer just in case it’s a real emergency? Lies. Lies others depend on us telling ourselves to gain access.

Don’t answer the message. Don’t fall for the banana in the tailpipe that is the next relative’s call asking why you aren’t answering the first relative’s call. Be the villain. 

Villains block, and they don’t feel bad about it because they know that the devil protects his own. Villains keep their money in their pocket. They keep their sanity. They keep their nervous systems regulated and their cortisol levels stable. 

They also tell those who deserve it to fuck off in a really cool calm ways, and skip their happy, Black women over 40 asses back to handling their business, in peace, where they belong.