Treatmebetta

You’ll know something’s not right almost immediately. It feels off. The way you’re looked at, or spoken to, or there’s a big change in behavior for no reason that you can identify.

All you know is, you were cool with the boss. Now you’re getting attitude.

As a Black woman, you know when you’re getting attitude.

It’s sneaky though because everything starts off great. You’re happy because you enjoy the work. The job pays well, the title is where it should be, your direct report is hardworking and conscientious. There are no clouds on your horizon. 

Slowly but surely, however, the criticism starts. Now you’re on the wrong side of long sighs and disappointed eyes. And whatever heaux shit manifestation the attitude takes, you slowly realize, after myriad attempts, that no matter what you do, you can’t please this person. 

My friend, you’ve more than likely gone from pet to threat.

That boss who used to think you’re charming now sees you may be a threat to him or her

It’s trash anyway you look at it because you haven’t done anything wrong. On the contrary. You’ve probably been doing everything right, essentially killing it on the job, and that’s the problem — for them. Now they see you’re that girl, that you’re great and you and that greatness could be problematic for them in the future. You have become a threat — and threats must be eliminated.

The worst thing you can do is doubt yourself. Do not under pain of death waste a single minute thinking that it’s you. It’s not.

You are not imaging anything. The looks, the snide remarks, the attitude, the backstabbing and behind the scenes machinations, it’s all real. And you don’t deserve it. Worse, if you don’t recognize and accept what’s happening and take your position, you may fall prey to that shit yourself. It’s natural to replicate the cultural norms in your surroundings — even when they’re toxic.

Resist! Resist, sis, resist. If you’re working hard, following instructions, collaborating effectively with your team, getting along with other departments, performing at a high level every day, it’s not you. 

And please don’t waste too much of your time trying to please someone who can’t be pleased. If the first dozen or so attempts fail, learn the lesson, and prepare to move on.

It is unfair. It is annoying. It is a whole damn shame. It is all of those things and more, but save your energy, sis. Just start looking for a new job. You’re a threat now, and like I said, people will find ways to eliminate threats. Better you leave on your own terms.

This has happened to me before, sadly, more than once. And each time I waited too long to act in my own self interest, hoping for the best, hoping for change — only to get the career version of the elbow.

And each time I couldn’t help but wonder: Is it me? What am I doing wrong? Why does this keep happening?

It took one of my best friends to convince me that it wasn’t me. And this is that friend that everyone needs. She’s generous, brilliant, consistent, kind, and good to her core. So, I say again. If you’re doing your job well, and you’re being kind and professional, it’s not you.

I’m telling you. It’s not you!

I’m not delulu. I am an emotionally intelligent Black woman over 40. I can recognize patterns and discern when I am the common denominator. But I say again, sis, for the cheap seats in the back: It’s not you.

If you’re giving a job your absolute all but things are still weird, the problem is probably not you

Your boss’s micromanaging, contradictory instructions, gatekeeping, outright lying and other assorted heaux shit are all signs of their insecurity and treachery — not your poor performance — especially when they were praising you just five minutes ago.

What changed is them. They took a good look at you and realized your confidence is real. You have the audacity to actually like yourself, and you’re good at your job. And one day, you could be good at theirs.

This is why it is so important to build and enjoy a life well lived. Sadly, most Black women are not independently wealthy. That’s just the fact. Most of us have to work, and we have to — or choose to — care for others, which may prevent us from taking the steps we need to in order to secure our financial futures, and we often don’t mind that. But the higher we climb the career ladder in pursuit of coins and titles and knowledge and whatever else, the more treacherously slippery those rungs become.

I’m not saying that every job or every boss is toxic. I’m saying, live a full life. Do not place all bets solely on one job or one stream of income because we live in a world that is simply not always kind or fair to us. 

But we still have to eat — and you should be eating organic. So, we must be kind to ourselves.

Kind is advocating for yourself. Kind is saving a good chunk from every check for a rainy day. Kind is having a side hustle that makes you just as much money as your job does. And then turning it into a successful business. Kind is investing, not just in the stock market, but in yourself. In education, tools and systems that will make your life easier and better. 

Think a housekeeper or a laundry service would free up some valuable time for you to devote to your business? If you can afford it, don’t hesitate to get it.

We must be strategic in how we live and work in order to live well 

Think you should always keep your LinkedIn profile fresh with frequent posts on your accolades, achievements and commentary demonstrating your skill and expertise in your chosen field? You’re absolutely right. Ixnay any doubts you have about towing your own horn. Toot away, girl. ‘Cuz if you stay ready, you won’t have to get ready — and that can be key when you’ve become a threat on your job.

The ideal scenario is when this nonsense happens you tap into your network, have some conversations with people of influence, and secure yourself a new position. But what often happens is we stay in spaces where we’re just tolerated until it’s safe for them to — abruptly — release us to the marketplace. Then we’re out there hurt and hustling on a wing and a prayer.

So. Do you think you’re devoting too much time and energy to other people and not enough to yourself? If you think that, you’ve been devoting too little energy to your own needs for a while now. Ignore the commentary that’s coming from those people on what you need to change to fit a mold that will shapeshifter faster than a sci fi character as soon as you achieve that next goal. Ignore the bs on how and why you’re being selfish.

Be selfish. 

You were not born to be of service to everyone except yourself. You were not born to minimize and make yourself small, and bend yourself into a pretzel trying to please, satisfy or pacify those who are scared of you. Whether you can carry the load or not, you weren’t born, as Zora Neale Hurston famously said, to be the mule of the world.

You have to take good care of yourself at work and everywhere else — especially if you have children. I don’t have any, but I know I deserved a mother who was not stressed out and mean because she had concerns over money. And your kids deserve that too.

I know it’s important to be of service to others. That’s actually a part of my version/vision of a life well lived. But being selfish can be a good thing. It can mean the difference between pain and suffering, and being more than just okay in a world where sometimes we can’t even go to work and work without nonsense.