Treatmebetta

In today’s society, particularly in professional and social spaces, Black women often find themselves walking a tightrope. We are taught to be kind, accommodating, and agreeable — to present ourselves as “nice” to avoid negative stereotypes — we may even be rewarded for this behavior: our bosses and coworkers like us, we get new opportunities, even, occasionally, promotions without asking for them. But does being a people pleaser consistently bring the respect, admiration, opportunity and success that we deserve? For many Black women, the answer is a resounding no.

More often than not why being a people pleaser is not only ineffective it can be harmful for Black women as it positions us as a go-to for extra often unpaid labor. Further, adopting this persona can add stress, sap our energy, and weigh on our spirits as we are not being authentically ourselves; we’ve adopted a facsimile of who we are, one that may crack when the real us peeks out, and inadvertently upsets an onlooker who wants and expects a sweet doormat, not a fully baked women with ideas, opinions, and perspectives that have not been white washed and deveined for public consumption. 

What follows are strategies Black women can use to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing, including conversational and behavioral alternatives to help us communicate in a different, dare I say more subtle way, and what to expect from others once these changes are made because things are likely to be uncomfortable as others push back. You know things tend to get sticky whenever we, who often face unique pressures rooted in cultural, historical, and societal expectations, begin to focus on our own needs and well being.

The Roots of People-Pleasing in Black Women

Black women are frequently conditioned to be people pleasers from a young age. This conditioning can stem from cultural expectations, survival mechanisms, and a desire to avoid negative stereotypes such as the “angry Black woman” trope. Sadly, I no longer believe it’s truly possible for us to avoid that one. As it’s often rooted in others perception, and not based on reality at all. 

That’s why at the first display of an emotion that is not happy — faux or otherwise — we’re immediately slapped with that “angry” label. Worse, shaking it thereafter is almost impossible. And trying to avoid stereotypes like this as we work to attain success in the workplace or academic circles is part of the reason so many of us grow up internalizing messages that we must be twice as good, twice as quiet, and twice as nice to succeed in more traditional spaces that were not built for our participation or occupation.

These pressures can lead to a lifetime of saying “yes” when we really want to say “no,” of putting others’ needs before our own, and of shrinking ourselves to make others feel comfortable — all of which is exhausting and can be soul crushing. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, many Black women have discovered people-pleasing behavior rarely leads to respect or success. Instead, it often results in burnout, resentment, and a deep sense of unfulfillment.

The Harmful Effects of People-Pleasing

It’s a crying shame that all of the time and effort we put into making others feel comfortable with their own unconscious and conscious bias actually bears so little fruit. Instead, our hard work often results in:

1. Lack of respect: When we consistently prioritize others’ needs over our own, people often take us for granted rather than appreciate the consideration. Instead of seeing us as capable or kind or thoughtful, they may view us as pushovers, someone whose time and energy are easily acquired and therefore is expendable. This lack of respect can manifest in professional settings where our contributions are undervalued, or in personal relationships where boundaries are continuously crossed.
2. Emotional exhaustion: Constantly putting others’ needs first can also be emotionally draining. Over time, this leads to feelings of resentment, frustration, and can even manifest in depression. This constant effort to please others — especially when these efforts are not appreciated or reciprocated — can prompt Black women to become disconnected from our true desires and lose sight of what truly makes us happy.
3. Compromised authenticity: In our constant efforts to please others, many of us end up suppressing our true selves. We hide our opinions, emotions, and personalities to avoid conflict or rejection, and over time, this can erode our sense of identity and self-worth.
4. Stunted growth: Being a people pleaser can also stunt one’s personal and professional growth. By focusing so much on others, we neglect our own goals, desires, and dreams. We may miss out on opportunities to advance in our careers or cultivate meaningful relationships because we are too busy catering to others.

Breaking Free from People-Pleasing

For Black women, breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing can feel daunting, but it is possible. Below are some strategies to help shift from people-pleasing to more authentic and empowered living.

1. Set clear boundaries. One of the first steps in eliminating people-pleasing behaviors is setting clear boundaries. This means learning to say no without guilt or fear of repercussions. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean being rude or disrespectful; it means respecting yourself enough to protect your time, energy, and well-being. Here are a few tips to help you set boundaries:

• Practice saying no in low-stakes situations. For instance, turn down an invitation when you’re feeling tired or have other priorities that you would prefer to give that time and attention.
• Clearly communicate your limits. For example, if a colleague asks you to stay late at work, simply say, “I can’t stay late today, but I can help you tomorrow during work hours.”
• Use assertive language that is firm but polite. Avoid over-explaining or apologizing unnecessarily. This weakens your position and may unintentionally create opportunities for rebuttal or attempts to 

2. Challenge the “Angry Black Woman” stereotype. Many Black women avoid asserting themselves because they fear being labeled as the “Angry Black woman.” This harmful stereotype is used to silence and discredit us when we stand up for ourselves.

But it’s important to remember that setting boundaries and advocating for yourself is not “angry” — it’s necessary. Black women deserve the same respect, dignity, and authority as anyone else, and it’s okay to assert those rights where appropriate.

How to challenge this stereotype:

• Reframe your thinking. Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Don’t soak up this inaccurate, often unfair trope.
• Call out microaggressions and biases when you encounter them. For example, if a coworker makes an inappropriate comment, address it calmly but firmly: “That comment is not appropriate, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say things like that in the future.”
• Surround yourself with supportive allies who respect your voice and your boundaries. We need to soak up more good to outweigh the bad.

3. Prioritize self-care. Being a people pleaser often means we take such good care of others we end up neglecting ourselves. Self-care is one of the first things to go. Which means we end up feeling bad and looking worse! Taking care of oneself is essential to mitigate the stress we’ll encounter working to build successful careers and lives. Self-care allows us to recharge, reflect, and reconnect with our own needs and desires.

How to prioritize self-care:

• Schedule regular time for activities that nourish you, whether that’s exercise, journaling, spending time with loved ones, participating in a hobby, or simply relaxing.
• Learn to recognize when you’re feeling overwhelmed or drained, and give yourself permission to take a break.
• Don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first. We were not actually put on this Earth to neglect our needs in a bid to care for others. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

4. Seek therapy or support groups. Sometimes, people-pleasing behaviors are deeply rooted in past traumas or experiences, such as childhood neglect, abandonment, or rejection. Therapy can be a valuable tool to help Black women unpack these emotions and learn healthier ways to interact with others.

Finding a therapist who understands the unique challenges we face can make a world of difference. Therapy offers a safe space to process our emotions, challenge limiting beliefs, and develop new coping strategies.

How to seek support:

• Look for therapists who specialize in working with Black women or women of color.
• Consider joining support groups or online communities like Treatmebetta — our social media community on TikTok is booming — where other Black women share their experiences and strategies for overcoming people-pleasing and other facets of living well.

5. Practice assertive communication. Shifting away from people-pleasing requires that we practice assertive communication. Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and honestly without undermining ourselves or disrespecting others.

How to practice assertiveness:

• Use “I” statements, such as “I feel,” “I need,” and “I want,” rather than blaming others or minimizing your own needs.
• Maintain eye contact and use a calm, steady tone of voice when speaking up for yourself. Be cognizant of your body language. You want loose hands and calm shoulders. Tension or slouchy posture can suggest anger or discomfort.
• Practice active listening. Assertiveness also means respecting others’ opinions while still advocating for your own needs. It can be helpful to support or praise others where appropriate in public and private. This will help to balance out or act as a foil for those occasions when you need to speak up for yourself.

What Happens When You Stop People-Pleasing

Once we stop people-pleasing and start prioritizing ourselves, Black women can expect a shift in how others perceive and treat us. There will almost certainly be some pushback as others’ naturally protest a shift in focus away from them back to you. After all, they’re used to you being a source for free or extra labor, physical, mental, and emotional. But on the positive side of things, here’s what we might experience:

1. Increased respect: People respect individuals who respect themselves. When we set boundaries and assert our needs, the good folks will begin to see us as strong, confident women who value our time and energy.
2. More authentic relationships: By shedding the need to please, we’ll attract people who appreciate and respect us for who we truly are, not for who we pretend to be or what we can do for them. Authentic relationships are built on mutual respect and support, rather than one person constantly giving and the other taking.
3. Greater emotional freedom: We will feel liberated from the constant need to seek approval. This newfound emotional freedom allows us to focus on our own growth, happiness, and goals, rather than living to meet others’ expectations.
4. More time: Without the burden of people-pleasing, we’ll have more time and energy to devote to things that matter to us — whether that’s advancing in our career, nurturing our personal passions, or simply enjoying life.

Steps to Adopt a Non-People-Pleasing Attitude

Breaking habitual behaviors takes time and requires intentional action. Consider the following in your bid to stop people pleasing:

1. Identify your triggers: Pay attention to situations where you tend to fall into people-pleasing habits. Do you feel the need to please at work, in social settings, or in romantic relationships? Recognizing your triggers is the first step toward identifying strategies to help you break established cycles.
2. Set small, achievable goals: Start by setting small goals to practice assertiveness. For example, say no to a request that you don’t want to fulfill, or speak up in a meeting when you have an opinion. Practice!
3. Celebrate your wins: Each time you successfully set a boundary or assert yourself, celebrate it, even if you have to celebrate alone. Recognize that you’re taking steps toward a more empowered version of yourself. These valuable moments deserve to be acknowledged.
4. Reflect on your progress: Keep a journal to reflect on your journey. Write about situations where you felt proud for standing up for yourself, and note specific areas where you can improve. Consider ways to help yourself get where you want to go. 
5. Surround yourself with supportive people: Build a community of people who actively support and encourage your growth. Whether it’s friends, family, or a professional network, having a support system will help you stay grounded and confident in your decisions. Do not hesitate to exorcize those who demean you, minimize your accomplishments, or throw obstacles to your ease or success in your path. Sometimes removing those who insist on putting their interests above your own is your only option if the goal is to live well. 

Benefits of Letting Go of People-Pleasing

There’s very little downside to adopting a more you-centric attitude. A shift in your energy and focus can produce:

• Increased self-esteem: When you prioritize your own needs and desires, your self-esteem grows. You may start to see yourself as worthy of love, respect, and happiness, independent of others’ opinions because you are actively advocating for your own betterment, which is as it should be.
• Better health: Letting go of people-pleasing can reduce stress, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion, which leads to improved mental and physical health. And when we feel better, we do better. Period. 
• More success: By focusing and redirecting time and energy away from others and on your own goals and desires, you naturally open the door to greater opportunities for success in both your personal and professional life.

For Black women, breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing is not just a personal victory; it’s a radical act of self-love. It may take some time, and it may be uncomfortable as you acclimate those around your new standards and ways of communicating, but it’s worth the effort. You will feel better, you may look better, and you will almost certainly enjoy more personal and professional success — even if that success is only the pleasure of knowing that you stood up for yourself and protected your own time, heart, and interests.