Treatmebetta

As Black women, the message of selflessness runs deep in our upbringing and cultural narratives. We’re taught, no, it is often demanded that we must put others before ourselves, or be made to pay consequences. This is how it has always been. But given what just happened in the 2024 presidential election, that simply must change. At this point in the game, it’s giving me first, me second, and me in any other spot on down the list. 

On an international stage it has been proven how little regard there is for Black women. And I posit that given what just transpired yesterday, we must take care of ourselves first, as it has been made crystal clear that allies are few, yet the stakes have never been higher for our survival and any hopes we have in reaching the ultimate pinnacles of success. 

Since childhood, we are often told to share, to support others, and to be happy and generous caretakers — not only for our families but for our communities and for other communities at large. The 2024 election season intensified these expectations, amplifying the pressures and demands placed on Black women to once again “save the day.” Of course, we ultimately saw clearly it wasn’t up to us. But in a society where systemic challenges seem unyielding and the pressures remain high, it’s critical now, more than ever, for Black women to reclaim a different narrative: one that champions healthy selfishness. Here’s why embracing this approach is transformative, not only for us but for everyone around us.

Why “Selfishness” Is Essential to Thriving, Not Just Surviving

The notion of selfishness often carries a negative stigma for Black women. But let’s look at it in a different way. What if being “selfish” simply means putting ourselves on equal footing with the rest of the world? After all, prioritizing our needs, boundaries, and goals enables us to be the strong, thriving individuals who others can look up to — not just rely on. Further, despite what some would have us think, when Black women prioritize ourselves, it doesn’t mean neglecting those we care for. Instead, it means recognizing that our well-being is fundamental to the contributions we make to ourselves, to each other, and to the world.

Consider the historical implications of selflessness for Black women. The societal pressures that urge Black women to be caretakers have extremely deep, long roots. They stem from a long-standing expectation that our main purpose is to be made use of. To perform emotional and physical labor for others. This unspoken duty is exacerbated by stereotypes of the “strong Black woman,” which is both an empowering and limiting concept. It often means that in pursuit of this endless litany of selfless acts, we are expected to endure — at the expense of our mental and physical health. Worse, it denies Black women the space we need and deserve to prioritize our personal fulfillment, health, and ambitions.

Why the 2024 Election Calls for Radical Self-Care

The votes have now been tallied. But think about it. As the 2024 election cycle progressed, Black women once again found themselves at the center of the conversation. Political campaigns, social justice movements, and community groups looked to us for leadership, inspiration, and mobilization. While engaging in these critical issues can be empowering, it’s always important, I would even say essential, to ask, “At what cost to us?” Despite what others’ behavior toward us might have you think, our physical, emotional, and mental resources are finite. Giving them away too freely can be detrimental if we don’t take the time to thoroughly and completely replenish our reserves.

The 2024 presidential election is not the first, nor will it likely be the last, time we find ourselves front and center. Black women have a long history of leading and pushing for change — often when no one else will. However, continuously giving without boundaries is unsustainable and undermines our potential for long-term impact. Prioritizing self-preservation in the wake of the election means approaching political and social advocacy on our own terms.

Embracing Positive Selfishness: Practical Steps for Black Women

Some might consider the very notion of reframing selfishness as a strength rather than a flaw as a revolutionary step for Black women. Whether it is or isn’t, here are some ways we can begin to do this reframing and executing without guilt:

1. Define our personal values and goals. Think about it. As a Black woman, do you actually know what you want? Too many Black women don’t because we’ve been too busy helping others to even tune in to our own needs and desires. On top of that, many of us are also stuck in the cycle of struggle, trying to keep our heads above water while still pouring from near empty cups. 

• Why it’s essential: To stand confidently in your decisions — like the decision to put yourself first — start by clarifying what matters most to you. Ask yourself: What do I value? What are my life goals, and how do they align with my well-being? What steps will I need to take to reach these goals? What, or who, might have to be sidelined or even eliminated in pursuit of these goals?
• How to do it: Take time to reflect and write down your values and goals. Consider in clear detail various aspects like family, career, community, health, and personal development. This exercise will help you to identify a direction and make decisions that honor your true self.

2. Establish and enforce boundaries. Without boundaries Black women are at the mercy of almost everyone who is looking to make use of us, and take without even a thought of giving because “you’re tough. You can take it/do it.”

• Why it’s essential: Boundaries are crucial for Black women to protect our time, energy, and emotional well-being. They also teach others to respect us, thereby reducing burnout and resentment.
• How to do it: Be intentional about saying “no” when necessary. This might mean declining extra responsibilities at work or setting limits on how much emotional support we offer to others. We have to get used to communicating our boundaries clearly and confidently, without hesitation and without backing down.

3. Reframe guilt as gratitude. Society has a tendency to promote the former, and minimize the latter, and it is a huge mistake for us to adopt the same attitude. 

• Why it’s essential: Social conditioning around selfishness often leads to guilt, especially for Black women. But when we prioritize ourselves, we give others the gift of a healthier, more balanced version of us.
• How to do it: Black women have to shift our mindset from feeling guilty to feeling grateful. Every time we choose self-care, we should acknowledge and anticipate the positive ripple effect it will have on our relationships and contributions at all levels. With that in mind, to deny ourselves care becomes unthinkably silly.

4. Seek out like-minded communities. Treatmebetta (TMB) was created for the express purpose of empowering, encouraging and educating Black women. It is intended to be a safe digital and later physical space where we can be seen, heard, understood, and our continuous betterment enabled.

• Why it’s essential: Surrounding ourselves with women who support each other’s well-being fosters an environment of empowerment. A community that values self-care and boundary-setting is crucial for mutual growth.
• How to do it: Join groups, either online or locally, that focus on self-empowerment and collective support. Look for organizations or social circles that celebrate the progress, strength, and vulnerability of Black women. If you spend time online subscribe to TMB on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok and at Treatmebetta.com.

5. Celebrate wins without apology. Have you noticed how Black women tend to celebrate every win, no matter how big or small? Sometimes it may seem like we do the absolute most, but that’s because someone has to, and very often others do not want to celebrate or even acknowledge it when we succeed.

• Why it’s essential: Black women are often hesitant to celebrate our successes openly, fearing we’ll be perceived as arrogant. Yet acknowledging our accomplishments reinforces our self-worth and can help to build resilience.
• How to do it: We should make it a habit to celebrate small and big wins alike. We should share them with trusted friends and family members, or if it makes sense, treat ourselves to something special as a reward.

Transforming Guilt into Empowerment

The first step to freeing ourselves from the guilt associated with putting ourselves first is understanding where it comes from. Black women are often expected to physically and metaphorically “take one for the team,” sacrificing our time, energy, and dreams to support others. But in the long run, this approach is unsustainable and counterproductive. It can easily turn the other party into the selfish one, and us into an unintended, resentful, and broken down martyr. In that scenario no one really wins.

By embracing selfishness as empowerment, Black women can transform guilt into self-respect and resilience. But it’s important to note that this transformation doesn’t mean disregarding others; it means recognizing that our well-being must be a priority as it fuels the level or quality of support that we can give to others.

Why Prioritizing Ourselves Benefits Everyone Around Black Women

When Black women show up fully for ourselves, the positive impact extends to every corner of our lives and the lives of those around us. By nurturing our mental, physical, and emotional health, we strengthen our capacity to lift others up. Here’s how being selfish helps both us and those around us:

1. Better health means greater presence. When you prioritize your health, you’re not only reducing the risk of burnout, you’re also enhancing your ability to be fully present for others.
2. Setting boundaries inspires respect. By demonstrating how to set and uphold boundaries, you teach others to do the same. This shift can have transformative effects on families, workplaces, and communities.
3. Confidence encourages others to follow. Embracing your own power and worth encourages others — especially young Black women who look to their elders for guidance and direction — to do the same. When you lead by example, you create a legacy of empowerment and resilience.
4. Achieving goals strengthens community success. When Black women focus on achieving their personal and professional goals, it boosts the collective success of their families, neighborhoods, and communities. Our progress becomes a testament to what’s possible, paving the way for others to successfully pursue their dreams.

Breaking the Myths of Selflessness

The narrative that Black women must sacrifice their well-being for others is not only outdated, it is extremely harmful and counterproductive. Here’s why:

• Self-sacrifice limits growth: Constant self-sacrifice diminishes our personal growth, which can stifle the growth of those who depend on our leadership.
• Our health and happiness are contagious: Well-being is inspiring. When Black women embody health, happiness, and success, it creates a ripple effect of positivity. We should pass on contentment, satisfaction, pride, not just struggle, trauma, and generational curses.
• Strength doesn’t require martyrdom: True strength doesn’t come from endless sacrifice; it comes from knowing and advocating for our needs. This kind of strength is a model that others will respect and emulate.

The Bigger Picture: Creating a Legacy of Empowerment

Every step we take toward prioritizing ourselves, from setting boundaries to pursuing personal goals, contributes to a larger legacy of empowered Black women. When Black women lead lives that are authentic, self-fulfilled, and unapologetically selfish, we can set a standard for future generations. This legacy reinforces the idea that self-care, self-respect, and self-advocacy are non-negotiables for a fulfilled life, a life well lived.

Final Thoughts: The Power of Choosing Yourself

As the political landscape intensifies, remember that as a Black woman, your contribution to the world begins with you. Prioritizing yourself isn’t a departure from service; it’s the most profound way to honor it. So, going forward? Choose to be selfish — not as a reaction to external demands, but as a powerful commitment to yourself and to your community at large.

Black women who dare to put ourselves first become catalysts for a new culture — one where self-worth and well-being are essential, not optional. In choosing ourselves, we can pave the way for a world where every Black woman feels empowered to live authentically, thrive unabashedly, and inspire others to do the same. This is how we can build a legacy that’s not only beneficial for us but for our children and everyone who we touch.