Treatmebetta

There is a very important question that I ask myself regularly: Why is it so hard for Black women to put themselves first? Well, I have a theory. 

For generations, Black women have been applauded for their resilience, selflessness, and the ability to carry entire communities on their backs. While this narrative sounds empowering on the surface, it often disguises a painful truth: Many Black women are taught — explicitly or implicitly — that putting themselves first is selfish, shameful, or even dangerous. 

That’s wrong, and the result? Chronic burnout. Suppressed emotions. Strained relationships. Compromised health. Feelings of alienation, discourtesy, a lack of care, and the sinking feeling that our needs are always last on the list.

But what if putting yourself first isn’t selfish — what if it’s the key to living well?

Why Is It So Hard to Put Ourselves First?

What follows are the reasons why I’m certain that my theory has legs. Black women find it nearly impossible to prioritize our own needs because of:

1. Historical and generational trauma: From slavery to segregation to systemic racism, Black women have been consistently positioned as caretakers, workers, and community anchors — often with no regard for our individual well-being. These generational patterns of overextension and self-sacrifice are still very much in play today.

2. Cultural expectations: The “Strong Black Woman” archetype is both armor and burden, and alive and well. While on one hand it symbolizes strength and perseverance, on the other it often denies Black women a full range of human emotion — vulnerability, sadness, rest, pleasure. Far too often expressing these, or saying “no” or asking for help becomes taboo.

3. Intersectionality: Black women sit at the intersection of racism and sexism, making our lived experiences uniquely layered. The dual burden of navigating both race and gender biases — being a double minority — leads many of us to overperform in work and in life just to feel like we are “enough.”

4. Family and community pressures: Acting as the primary caregivers for aging parents, children, partners, or extended family can create expectations that we’ll always be the reliable one. It’s exhausting, yet guilt often creeps in at the mere thought of setting boundaries.

Why It Matters: The High Cost of Self-Neglect

When Black women consistently deprioritize ourselves, the consequences are steep. We often experience:

• Mental health struggles: Anxiety, depression, and emotional exhaustion
• Physical health decline: Higher risk of hypertension, diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and chronic stress-related illnesses
• Financial setbacks: Burnout often leads to missed opportunities and poor financial decision-making
• Relationship strain: Codependent dynamics, mistreatment, and emotional depletion
• Lack of fulfillment: Dreams delayed, creativity stifled, joy minimized

It becomes particularly important that we understand and acknowledge that putting ourselves last doesn’t make us noble — it often makes us invisible. Women who make explicit demands and volubly take up space are seen and heard while we take up elegant space in the background.

How to Start Putting Yourself First — Without Guilt

This is often easier said than done. First we must decide, hey. Something is not right here. I’m not getting what I need, and I’m not going to just accept that — especially not while continuing to give, give, give to everyone around me. Once we determine that no, being selfish is not, in point of fact, always a bad thing, we can do the following:

1. Audit your energy: Keep a journal or notes app log for one week. Track where your energy goes. What drains you? What fuels you? Awareness is the first step toward change.

2. Set and enforce boundaries: No is actually a complete sentence. Practice saying it without explanation. Use statements like:

• “I’m not available for that right now.”
• “That doesn’t work for me.”
• “I need time to recharge.”

Then stare. Perhaps offer a small, firm smile. But don’t rush to explain or justify your decision. Remember, no is a whole ass sentence. To make these boundary setting exercises work, be comfortable with uncomfortable silences, and stick to your guns. When they come back with the rebuttal or complaint, simply rinse and repeat. Then if you need to, leave, or get off the phone.

3. Create a self-prioritization ritual: Block time weekly, or daily, that is non-negotiable and just for you. Use it to rest, read, walk, meditate, exercise, sit in silence, journal, execute self-care, or plan your next big move. It doesn’t have to just be one block of time. It can be time each and every day.

4. Invest in yourself: That course. That coach. That gym membership. That solo trip. That tool that will make your life easier, and save you time for other value-add things, these aren’t indulgences — they’re necessary for a life well lived. Budget for your growth like you do for your bills.

5. Challenge internalized narratives: Notice when guilt or fear creeps in — or who inspires those feelings in you. Ask: “Whose voice is this? Is this belief serving me — or limiting me?” Rewrite your internal scripts. Decide what will be your new normal by way of thoughts and actions.

6. Surround yourself with expansive women: Be around other Black women who are doing the work necessary to live well, rest often, earn abundantly, and thrive. Community normalizes your growth. It encourages and empowers it. It may even help to educate you and accelerate your advancement.

What Happens When You Start Putting Yourself First

When Black women put themselves first, the world doesn’t fall apart. That’s just what some folks who benefit from all of your sacrifice and labor want you to think. Actually, when we prioritize ourselves, the world often opens up. Consider the impact: 

• Personally: You gain clarity, peace, and self-trust
• Professionally: You perform better, lead stronger, and feel less hesitant to advocate for your worth/self
• Physically: Expect better sleep, more movement, fewer stress-related ailments or illnesses
• Financially: You make clearer decisions, boundaries around unpaid labor, and wealth-building habits
• Mentally and emotionally: Expect reduced anxiety and irritation, increased joy, better emotional regulation

And most beautifully — when you prioritize yourself, you model what’s possible for other women, for your children, and for your community.

The Bottom Line

Black women have been conditioned to believe that self-sacrifice is virtuous. But the truth is you can’t pour from an empty cup. Your wellness, your peace, your growth — they matter. Not just for you, but for everyone you love.

So ask yourself: What would your life look like if you became obsessed with your own well-being?

You owe yourself the answer — and the action to match it.