Treatmebetta

You’ll know something’s not right almost immediately. It feels off. The way you’re looked at, or spoken to, or there’s a big change in behavior for no reason that you can identify.

All you know is, you were cool with the boss. Now you’re getting attitude.

As a Black woman, you know when you’re getting attitude.

It’s sneaky though because everything starts off great. You’re happy because you enjoy the work. The job pays well, the title is where it should be, your direct report is hardworking and conscientious. There are no clouds on your horizon. 

Slowly but surely, however, the criticism starts. Now you’re on the wrong side of long sighs and disappointed eyes. And whatever heaux shit manifestation the attitude takes, you slowly realize, after myriad attempts, that no matter what you do, you can’t please this person. 

My friend, you’ve more than likely gone from pet to threat.

That boss who used to think you were charming, now sees that you may be a threat to him or her at some point in the future — and threats must be eliminated.

The worst thing you can do is doubt yourself. Do not under pain of death waste a single minute thinking that it’s you. It’s not.

You are not imaging anything. The looks, the snide remarks, the attitude is real. And you don’t deserve it.

If you’re working hard, following instructions, collaborating effectively with your team, getting along with other departments, performing at a high level every day, it’s not you. 

And don’t waste too much of your time trying to please someone who can’t be pleased. If the first dozen or so attempts fail, learn the lesson and prepare to move on.

It is unfair. It is annoying. It is a damn shame. It is all of those things and more, but save your energy, sis. Just start looking for a new job. You’re a threat now, and like I said, people find ways to eliminate threats. Better you leave on your own terms.

This has happened to me before, sadly, more than once. And I waited, hoping for the best — and got the career version of the elbow.

And I couldn’t help but wonder: Is it me? What am I doing wrong? Why does this keep happening?

I say again. If you’re doing your job well, and you’re being kind and professional, it’s not you.

I’m telling you. It’s not you.

I’m not delulu. I am an emotionally intelligent Black woman over 40. I can recognize patterns and discern when I am the common denominator. But I say again, sis, for the cheap seats in the back: It’s not you.

If you’re giving that job your all, it is not you!

Your boss’s micromanaging, contradictory instructions, gatekeeping and outright lying and other assorted heaux shit are all signs of their insecurity and treachery — not your poor performance — especially when they were praising you just five minutes ago.

What changed is them. They took a good look at you and realized your confidence is real. You have the audacity to actually like yourself, and you’re good at your job. And one day, you could be good at theirs.

This is why it is so important to build and enjoy a life well lived. Most Black women over 40 are sadly not independently wealthy. That’s just the fact. We have to work, and we have to — or choose to — care for others, which may prevent us from taking the steps we need to in order to secure our financial future, and we often don’t mind that. But the higher we climb the career ladder, the more treacherously slippery those rungs become.

I’m not saying that every job or every boss is toxic. I am saying, live a full life. Do not place all bets solely on one job or one stream of income because we live in a world that is simply not always kind or fair to us. 

But we still have to eat — and you should be eating organic.

So, we must be kind to ourselves. Kind is advocating for yourself. Kind is saving a good chunk from every check for a rainy day. Kind is having a side hustle that makes you just as much money as your job does. Kind is investing, not just in the stock market, but in yourself. In education and tools and systems that will make your life easier and better. 

Think a housekeeper or a laundry service would free up some valuable time for you to devote to your business? If you can afford it, don’t hesitate to get it. We must be strategic in how we live in order to live well. 

Think you should always keep your LinkedIn profile fresh with frequent posts on your accolades, achievements and commentary demonstrating your skill and expertise in your chosen field? You’re absolutely right. If you stay ready, you won’t have to get ready. 

Think you’re devoting too much time and energy to other people and not enough to yourself? If you think that, you’ve been devoting too little energy to your own needs for a while now. Ignore the commentary that’s coming on how you’re selfish. Be selfish. 

You were not born to be of service to everyone except yourself. Whether you can carry the load or not, you weren’t born, as Zora Neale Hurston famously said, to be the mule of the world.

You have to take good care of yourself — especially if you have children. 

I don’t have any, but I know I deserved a mother who was not stressed out and mean because she had concerns over money. 

I know it is important to be of service to others. That’s actually a part of my version of a life well lived. But being selfish can be a good thing. It can mean the difference between pain and suffering, and being okay in a world where we can’t even go to work and work without nonsense.