Treatmebetta

Cam Newton is all over the news right now thanks to his recent interview with Dr. Cheyenne Bryant. Dr. Bryant picked some fairly substantive holes in his lifestyle and choices, and the internet is on fire debating who’s right, who’s wrong, whether he’s to blame, or his baby mamas are at fault for creating broken homes. But that was only part of the drama. 

The real conversation centered on what is the difference between low and high functioning and low and high value — for men and women. Many consider Newton to be a high value man thanks to his prowess on the football field and his financial success post retirement. His eight children by three different women don’t seem to have cut his value proposition in any significant way. Though it’s doubtful a woman in a similar position would have received the same societal response. 

But whatever you think of him — as an interviewer/host I’m not a fan. I watched the entire 2.5 hour conversation, I resent it bitterly, and found him to be dismissive, simple-minded, immature and either incapable of or unwilling to control the conversation when it veered off course or when he lost the thread. No matter which side of the debate you land on, this high profile athlete turned media personality is casting a bright and questioning light on the idea of a high-value man, what it means, and what is this archetype’s impact on a Black woman. 

In recent years, the term “high-value man” has surged in popularity, particularly within Black communities. You can’t swing a microphone without hitting a half a dozen podcasts where this is the primary topic of discussion. And both men and women debate the term furiously on myriad fronts.

Often promoted by influencers like Kevin Samuels and perpetuated by online spaces, this concept is frequently tied to a man’s financial status, his social influence, and his ability to attract desirable women. However, this once flattering notion of desirable manhood has evolved into something both harmful and detrimental, especially for Black women. The confusion around what constitutes a high-value man is not just a superficial issue — it has deep and lasting implications for Black women individually and for the families they hope to create.

Understanding the “High-Value Man”

Again, at its core, the term “high-value man” is often associated with financial success, physical appearance, and social status. But what does it really mean? Is it simply a label for men who have “made it” in life, or does it signify something deeper? The reality is, the exact nature of the term is as ephemeral and elusive as it is alluring, and this ambiguity can lead to harmful misconceptions.

In essence, a high-value man likely should possess qualities such as confidence, integrity, empathy, and a strong sense of purpose. These traits, when genuinely present, can make a man a great partner and father. Note, none of those traits can be explicitly tied to that man’s bank account. However, problems arise when this label is used to mask superficial qualities — turning the focus away from emotional depth and character toward external markers like wealth and status.

The Superficial Pursuit: How the High-Value Man Myth Harms Black Women

Because the concept of a “high-value man” is often based on superficial metrics such as wealth, appearance, and social standing, this idea has led many men to focus on materialistic achievements. This wouldn’t necessarily be a wholly bad thing — if these men were not simultaneously neglecting the importance of building and nurturing their emotional intelligence, empathy, and their ability to create genuine connection in relationships. For Black women, who often face unique and relentless social, economic, and cultural pressures, the confusion around what constitutes a high-value man can be particularly damaging. Here’s why:

1. Perpetuation of stereotypes: The traditional narrative of a high-value man often aligns with Eurocentric ideals of success, which can exclude Black men who may not fit that mold. This creates unrealistic expectations and perpetuates harmful stereotypes that undermine the potential for healthy relationships. Black women may feel pressured to conform to these same ideals, leading them to prioritize finding a man who meets these superficial standards rather than focusing on what truly matters in a relationship and in a partner’s character.

Then, consider other harmful stereotypes that filter in and around conversations about relationships with so-called high value men, like the ride-or-die and struggle love tropes. In his interview with Dr. Bryant, Newton, whether intentionally or unintentionally, alluded to these tropes. Quoting his mother, he said that in relationships “everybody wants to find a happy ending. They want to find heaven in a person…but nobody wants to find someone worth going to hell for. That’s real love.” 

That, he says, means understanding that we are not finished products. But the subtext there assumes that a woman — or even a man — should be willing to endure whatever nonsense they may be given as their partner, hopefully, works to become a whole, fully functioning, adult. It’s giving serious build-a-bear vibes, and I posit, ain’t nobody, man or woman, got time or energy for that. Put your mask on first, then date. But let’s get back to: What is a high-value man?

2. Misaligned priorities: When the focus is on external markers of success, Black women may overlook the qualities that genuinely matter in a partner — such as emotional intelligence, reliability, and shared values. This can lead to relationships built on shaky foundations, making it difficult to establish the stability needed for long-term happiness and family-building.
3. Pressure to conform: The societal pressure to find a high-value man can lead Black women to compromise their values and desires in relationships in exchange for the often dubious security of money or superficial status by association. This can result in settling for men who may not be right for them, simply because they fit a societal definition of “high value.” This pressure can be particularly damaging, as it may cause Black women to prioritize external success over emotional fulfillment, leading to unfulfilling relationships that do not support their long-term physical, mental, or spiritual well-being. 

Compromising on integrity and depth of character, like a raven distracted by a shiny object, likely will result in unhappiness. Think about it. The raven will put the shiny object in its nest, but weather and time will eventually tarnish its glitter until its value is perhaps unrecognizable.

Impact on Black Families

The confusion around what makes a man “high value” isn’t just a personal issue — it has far-reaching implications for the family unit. When relationships are built on superficial qualities rather than on genuine connection, they are far less likely to stand the test of time. How could they? Without depth and connection it’s unlikely each party has taken the time to really get to know the other. Nor is it likely that any challenges that crop up will be met with the patience and consideration needed to overcome them. For Black women who hope to build strong families, this instability can be devastating. Here’s how this confusion can negatively impact Black families:

1. Instability in relationships: Again, relationships based on superficial qualities rather than on genuine connection are more likely to crumble when faced with challenges. Patience, honesty, and a willingness to compromise or to sacrifice for the other person may be lacking. The emphasis on external success over emotional depth can lead to relationships that lack the foundation needed to weather life’s storms long term.
2. Lack of emotional support: A man who is focused solely on external success may not prioritize emotional intimacy and support — two key components needed for a healthy family dynamic. He thinks because he brings money home and pays the bills that is enough, but it’s not. This mistaken attitude can leave Black women feeling isolated and unsupported in their relationships, making it difficult to create a consistently nurturing environment for their families.
3. Passing down harmful beliefs: When children grow up in an environment where external success is prioritized over emotional depth and character, they can and often do internalize these values. This perpetuates a cycle of confusion and instability in their own relationships. It’s why Black women — and men — should be much more selective in who they choose to sire their children. The instability of a relationship built on a faulty foundation can have long-lasting effects on future generations, as harmful beliefs about what constitutes a high-value man and a high-value relationship are passed down from parent to child.

Breaking the Cycle: Redefining the High-Value Man for Black Women

To break the cycle of confusion and create healthier relationships and families, it’s essential to redefine what it means to be a high-value man — specifically within the context of Black relationships. By shifting the focus from external success to internal development, we can create healthier relationships and stronger families. 

Here are some key qualities to look for in a truly high-value man:

1. Emotional intelligence and empathy: A high-value man should be emotionally intelligent and empathetic, able to understand and manage his own emotions as well as those of his partner. This creates a strong emotional foundation for the relationship and ensures that both partners feel heard, understood, and supported.
2. Integrity and reliability: Trust is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and a high-value man should be reliable and trustworthy. He should be someone who follows through on his promises, keeps his word, and consistently demonstrates his commitment to the relationship.
3. Shared values and vision: For Black women who hope to build a family, it’s essential to find a partner who shares their values and vision for the future. A high-value man should be someone who is aligned with your goals and priorities, as this makes it easier to work together to achieve that shared vision.
4. Respect for women: A high-value man should respect Black women as equals and partners. He should value our opinions, our femininity, support our ambitions, and treat us with the dignity we deserve.
5. Commitment to growth: A high-value man should be committed to personal growth and self-improvement. This means being open to feedback, learning from mistakes, and continually striving to be a better partner. This commitment to growth is essential for building a strong, stable relationship that can support a healthy family.

Avoiding the Traps of the High-Value Man Myth: Practical Tips for Black Women

Navigating the complexities of dating while avoiding the pitfalls of the high-value man myth requires a conscious effort. Here are some practical tips for Black women:

1. Focus on character, not status: When evaluating a potential long-term partner, prioritize character over status. Ask yourself whether this man has the qualities that will make him a good husband and father — not just whether he meets society’s definition of a successful man. Societal dictates do not often consider what a Black woman wants or needs to be happy, healthy, and whole.
2. Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries around what you will and won’t accept in a relationship. Don’t think you can let some things slide in the beginning and then correct them later. That’s unlikely to happen, and you’ll have to endure nonsense with no recourse. Don’t compromise your values or self-worth in pursuit of a man who doesn’t respect or appreciate you.
3. Trust your intuition: If something doesn’t feel right, trust your gut. Don’t ignore red flags simply because a man seems to have all the external markers of success. The red flags probably won’t go away. In fact, they may get even redder, more inflammatory, even dangerous, as time goes on.
4. Surround yourself with positive influences: Seek out role models and mentors who can provide trustworthy guidance and support as you navigate the complexities of dating and relationships. Surround yourself with people who uplift and empower you. These people should skew positive versus negative and have experienced successful, healthy relationships. They should have a fair, balanced opinion of both men and women, and view people as individuals rather than lumping us all into primarily good or bad groups.
5. Be patient: Finding the right partner takes time. Don’t rush into a relationship simply because you feel pressure to find a high-value man. Time is a factor for a woman who wants to birth her own children. But it’s best to ignore commentary around ticking biological clocks or pressure from relatives, friends, or even societal views about a Black woman’s ability to marry or to be attractive to a partner. Be patient and trust that the right person will come into your life when the time is right. In the interim, focus on developing into the kind of person who will attract the type of partner you desire, and live your best life.

A Call for Redefining Masculinity

It’s past time to challenge the high-value man myth, and redefine what it means to be a man of worth. A true high-value man is not just about wealth or status. He doesn’t prioritize work to the detriment of other non revenue-generating relationships. He is someone who values integrity, emotional intelligence, and continuous personal growth. By embracing a more holistic view of masculinity, we can foster genuine connections and build a more supportive community.

For Black women, this redefinition of masculinity is essential for creating strong, stable relationships and healthy families. By focusing on the qualities that truly matter, Black women can break free from the harmful effects of the high-value man myth and build relationships that are based on love, respect, and mutual support.

Conclusion: Redefining Value in Black Relationships

Don’t be confused, though. Money and status or external markers of success have their place in a relationship. We live in the world. We are not alone in this world, and unless you’re a lab experiment, you can’t live on air. Further, financial hardships can be absolute hell on relationships, for a number of reasons, and in my experience, bills come around every 28 to 30 days without fail. In the ideal scenario, we should avoid these challenges where possible.

The confusion around what constitutes a high-value man is not just a harmless trend; it has real consequences for Black women and their current and future families. By redefining what it means to be a high-value man within the context of Black relationships, we can break the cycle of confusion and create healthier, more fulfilling partnerships.

Ultimately, the key to finding a high-value man is to look beyond the superficial and focus on the qualities that truly matter. In her interview with Newton Dr. Bryant pointed out that women falling into low functioning behaviors — having to play detective, for instance — is often the result of choosing the wrong man — or choosing a man for the wrong reasons. By prioritizing emotional intelligence, integrity, shared values, and mutual respect, Black women can build strong, stable relationships that provide the foundation for happy, healthy families.

Remember, the most valuable man is not the one who checks off the most societal boxes, it’s the one who makes you feel loved, respected, and supported. And that, in the end, is what truly makes a man “high value.”